(or really, OCD has me)
Welcome to my very first blog post.
More emotional versus fun, but this shit is apart of my journey.
“ More often people associate it with, "Oh you like to clean a lot or you like to make sure things are always in order"”
You know mental health is a very touchy topic for a lot of people. I still remember the day I realized like okay girl, you're suffering from depression. I felt compelled to my bed. I had no motivation to do anything.
I just wanted to sleep and wallow.
Nothing was entertaining, nothing could cheer me up, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
I was just taking up space and ultimately didn't want to be phsyically on this Earth anymore.
Luckily, I was able to find the root of my issues (past sexual abuse, childhood traumas).
I took myself to a counselor, ONCE. Though it was a major step, I could never see myself going back more. Talking about it out loud helped me feel much better, but I have trouble opening up to people, especially strangers.
So the fact that I went, AND had a successful breakthrough was good enough for me.
My last serious depression ultimately started at the end of 2017. December actually; right before my birthday.
I had just been pretty much laid off from my job I was working, and was stressing about finding another job.
Additionally, I had zero plans for my birthday.
Oh and lets not forget it was the holidays.
And wait, bills are due no matter what storm you're going through :)
Like shit was really all good JUST a week ago.
So its like, yayyyy its my birthday but now I'm unemployed.
But you know, the storm doesn't last forever.
In the next 2 weeks, I had an interview, and was hired.
Back employed, so happy right? Nah.
I was also working out and on a healthier diet at the time, so feeling good right? Nah.
I was still unhappy, and couldn't figure out why.
However, I realized that I was also in a relationship that was not conducive to either one of us at the time.
We were tolerating each other but the love wasn't there. Maybe it was never there.
We haven't even spoke since breaking up almost 2 years ago. Not a word. Not a hey, how you doing. Nothing.
We tried though. Spicing things up... taking trips... nothing worked.
But, once I realized that relationship was failing, I decided to reach out to all of my close loved ones and let them know that I was suffering, bad.
They all lifted me up and provided great support. Support that was needed. I was literally on the edge, and ready to jump.
It forced hard conversations to be had, and made me really open up and be honest about a lot of things that I've harbored over the years.
Everything aint peachy creme with that though. Still working to repair a lot of things so that I'm not continually emotionally bonded by things throughout the next course of my life.
But, since then, ya girl hasn't felt that low since then. *two snaps for me *
Of course I get my seasonal funks, my 'I hate grad school and adulting' pity parties, but depression? Nah. I'm thankful.
I've taken the time to learn my triggers more with a lot of things, and if I can see the signs early, I can hopefully combat a long depressive episode.
But boy, my anxiety? That bitch beats my ass on the REGULAR.
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So you're probably like, I thought this whole thing was about OCD?
It is but OCD has to be better understood as a mental struggle as well.
More often people associate it with, "Oh you like to clean a-lot or you like to make sure things are always in order"
This can be true for some OCD sufferers, but a lot of times, it can be so much more deeper.
For me, my OCD is crippling lol.
I've just accepted it, really.
I'm hella embarrased by it so really, nobody knows.
My OCD falls into the categories of: - Excessive double-checking of things, such as locks, appliances, and switches (everyday, hate it) - Counting, tapping, repeating certain words, or doing other senseless things to reduce anxiety (everyday as well, annoying) - Ordering or arranging things “just so” (recurrent, but only when I have guests over usually) I do my double-checking in patterns of the 3's. I don't know why that became my choice of number. But I will check the same object 3 times, and repeat checking it 3 times. So lets put it in to perspective: I spend 2 mins of my day EVERY morning making sure my front door is locked, NINE times in total. I want to stop, but I can't lol. I'll try to snap out of it and just lock it one time, but anxiety steps in and pretty much makes me check the door over and over. & that's basically what OCD is; the obsession of doing something repeatedly and compulsively; sometimes because you're afraid of something bad happening because you forgot to do something. + I have so many other habits that are very nonsensical, but my brain thinks that shit is important. So its like, how you can argue with your brain? I'm the one thinking this out, so it MUST make sense. But, it was never this bad. I think I realized how bad it gotten, once I moved to Massachusetts by myself. I've always been independent, and pretty much on my own, but this was a new feeling of [by myself]. I think my OCD started out of me wanting to feel safe and secure at all times, since I am alone a lot. From checking my door is locked, making sure my keys are in the same place, making sure all my debit cards and IDs are how I left them, making sure I unplugged certain things that could cause a spontaneous fire (ridiculous), checking my fridge is closed (one time my fridge didn't close all the way, spoiling food, and my OCD chimed the fuck in so that I started checking that over and over), and is etc etc at this point lol.
I'm not sure how it might sound, but just imagine your brain really being stuck on constant loops that you have to re-live EVERY day. I've accepted it for what it was, but I am at the point to where I need help to counteract this. I searched up Psychologists specifically helping in OCD related behaviors, but then there comes me having to talk about why [my] normal is actually pretty fucking weird. Cause like, do you ever feel like, why can I not just be normal? I feel like I deal with a lot of issues I never wanted, and have to extremely adjust myself to them so that I do not get dehabilitated by them. It sucks, but I loved to learn me more because of all the things I been through. It makes me want to get to the root of issues, be vulnerable, and take difficult journeys within myself and throughout life. So, OCD sucks. Probably many more people have it than what they are aware of. But if it puts a strain on your life, take the time to figure out what you do, and why. Then, find support of a group (after the rona of course), and find a professional who can help you become a better you.
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